Your Post-Election Holiday Survival Guide
The holidays are fast approaching and if one thing is true, it is that we cannot pick our families. Most of us have families whose political views can vary vastly and Presidential election years tend to put these differences on display more than other years. If you are concerned about navigating these differences during the upcoming holiday season, here are a few tips to get you through:
Regulate yourself
Political discussions have a tendency to become heated quickly due to how deeply politics intersects with our personal values and identities. That said, it can be difficult not to take one’s differing opinions personally. This can bring up feelings of hurt, anger, and defensiveness. If the subject arises at a family gathering, tune into how your body is feeling. Do you feel your muscles tensing, your body temperature rising, or your heart rate escalating? Do you notice yourself thinking about how you will respond or defend yourself, rather than staying present and listening to what the other person is saying? If so, this may be a good time to take some deep breaths, take a drink of water, or excuse yourself from the discussion to take a walk or splash water on your face.
It may also be helpful to do some reflection before you attend the family gathering about what particular issues may trigger emotional reactions in you. Are there hot button topics that impact you or someone you love personally? Walking into the event with this awareness means that when you hear a discussion about that topic beginning, you can begin to regulate yourself preemptively before your emotions take over.
Lead with Empathy
Having empathy means having the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It may sound impossible to do this for someone whose views differ so far from your own, but a great place to start is to begin by focusing on your similarities, rather than your differences. You can also start to be curious about why this family member may believe in what they do. Where did they grow up and how were they raised? How might their gender identity, race, sexuality, disability status, religion, level of education, where they live and economic and employment status impact what candidates they support?
Additionally, we are often taught not to discuss hot topics like politics, so we do not get enough practice having these discussions with those whose opinions differ from our own. Have patience with yourself and your family members and recognize that we rarely have the chance to exercise this muscle. Refrain from blaming others and communicating with contempt and insults, and practice using “I” statements, rather than statements which begin with “you”. Attempt to refrain from making generalizations such as “all people who support such-and-such candidate are..”.
Create Healthy Boundaries
If you are finding that you cannot discuss politics with your family calmly or without someone becoming dysregulated, it may be useful to create boundaries around what is discussed at family functions. Some families may decide to make it a rule not to discuss politics at family functions in order to keep a more peaceful and light environment. When discussing boundaries, remember to communicate with “I” statements, and express your needs from a place of caring and accountability. For example, “I think it is best we refrain from discussing politics for the sake of our relationship. I know I am unable to stay calm, and I'd like to enjoy our time together instead.” At some point you must decide whether some beliefs and values might be non-negotiables, or if there are some things you can look past in order to maintain the relationships.
Practice Acceptance
If you would like to maintain healthy relationships with family members you disagree with, this means you may have to agree to disagree. Although it is difficult, you may have to accept that you cannot change everyone’s mind. Especially if political discussions become heated, the other person will not be able to hear your side because their body has moved into fight or flight mode. Look to The Serenity Prayer, popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous, when acceptance of your family becomes difficult:
“Gr
ant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”
Take a moment to reflect- is your 85 year old Great Uncle going to change his opinion now, after all of his years on earth? The answer is likely “No.” The wisdom to recognize what you can and cannot change can help guide whether you would like to engage in the mental and emotional toll political discussions often take, or begin to direct the energy into places where you will make a difference.
Channel your Anger into Activism
Speaking of having the courage to change the things you can, the best way to channel the anger and hurt you feel due to political differences or the political climate is by investing in a cause that you are passionate about. If certain family members are so set in their ways that you are not going to change their mind, put that energy into a place where you will be able to create change. Some ideas may include volunteering for non-profit organizations, attending protests, or maybe even opting out of holiday dinner this year to work at a soup kitchen instead.
Seek Support
If you are still struggling with your family relationships despite utilizing these tips, you may want to consider attending individual or family therapy. Individual therapy can help you practice recognizing your triggers and improve your emotional regulation skills, learn better communication skills, and negative emotions or grief you may be feeling about the differences you have with these family members. You can also utilize individual therapy to explore your value, decide what types of relationships you would like to prioritize in your life, and how to make that happen. You can also seek out a family therapist who can assist you and one or more family members in communicating and getting to a better understanding of each other’s points of view.